Jul 12, 2022
I am so appreciative for the reviews that have been coming in on the podcast.
I got one this week, and I wanted to share it with you.
Listening has helped me view my life as child free instead of childless, shifting, my mindset helped me so much.
Asyou know, I have a goal of 10,000 downloads of the podcast by September of this year. The more ratings and reviews I get, the more likely it's going to be that people will come across the podcast when they're searching for
ways to cope with their life after infertility,
ways to love their life if they can't become moms.
I so appreciate you taking the time to give me a review, and a rating of the podcast. If you do one, please screenshot it and send it to me and I will send you a Starbucks virtual gift card as a thank you for helping me in my mission of 10,000 downloads.
This week's topic is going to be super juicy. I want to tell you a little bit about how it came to be this week. I was recently interviewed on @infertilityandme podcast. I was a guest on this podcast, we had a really good interview. One of the things that came up was talking about adoption. And the decision that my husband and I made not to adopt. I got a lot of messages from listeners thanking me for talking about it. It’s a tough topic to talk about publicly, it leaves me vulnerable to people's judgments on whether I they believe I should have adopted or I could have adopted or if I was a better person. If I adopted, I decided that putting myself out there and sharing my opinion is so worth it because I fully believe that I made the decision that was right for me and my husband and I made the decision that was right for us as a couple. It's clearly something that haunts a lot of people after you've gone through multiple rounds of IVF and always dreamed of being a mom. Aot of people have been struggling with judging themselves for choosing not to adopt. A lot of my students and Me included carried shame for not adopting. That's probably why, it becomes very gut wrenching and very infuriating when someone offers you the words “you can always adopt”. That is really a trigger for many people. Many of us have a pain point about those words. And we spend a lot of time being offended by people saying that to us.
Why it is we might carry resentment for people saying that?
People choose not to adopt, because of unknowns on the history of the family of origin
- poor prenatal care
- judgment that they'll have from others,
- child may grow up feeling unwanted.
- how you’ll explain to a child that they were given up for adoption.
- worry they would never be able to let the child know how much they were truly loved.
- no guarantee that you'll actually be able to take a child home
- don’t have the bandwidth to go through that emotional turmoil of not knowing what would happen and trying something and it not turning out the way that you thought.
- financial constraints after IVF
Its hard to admit that adaption isn't the right choice for you- it's easy to believe that others are or others will, or others should have the ability to judge you for that decision you make.
You do not have to feel judged for making this decision for yourself. You don't need to apologize for your decision. And you are not selfish for choosing not to adapt. Many of my students have talked long and hard about feeling like they believe others view them as not wanting to have been a parent bad enough because they did not adopt.
We can just drop that right here. You can have tried so hard and have gone through IVF or have done IUI is all the things that you did to become a mom, just because you did not choose to adapt does not mean that you did not try hard enough and you did not want bad enough, you did everything you were capable of doing to become a mom, even if you chose not to adopt.
People may think that you could have done more to become a mom, but it's your choice to believe that you did all that you are capable of to become a mom and wanting a child that is biologically yours is not selfish. And we have choices. We had the choice of a donor egg. We had the choice of IVF, we had the choice to do IUI, we had the choice for adoption, these are all options, and they are not expectations. And it doesn't mean that you made the wrong decision. If you find yourself wondering what it would be like now if you would have adapted. It's just human nature, and you're not alone and you're not a bad person. And you did want to be a mom just as bad as the person that did adapt. Because you chose not to, does not mean that you were not a good person and that you're selfish and that you're responsible for children, not having a home to go to that are up for adoption.
Listen to this episode and know that you are loved and you are heard, and you are not alone because this is something that I talk so often about my story to my students, they really come to me feeling that they are not entitled to their grief. And they truly have decided that when people offer them words about adaption or questioning why they did not adapt, that they are a bad person, and I want you to know you are a perfectly hole, a perfectly good person, you did try hard enough and you are entitled to feel proud of the road that you went on. When it came to a fork, if you decided to stop at this part of your journey and you did not do an egg donor and you did not adopt, you are loved by more people than you'll ever know.
I am so proud of you that you made a decision and you stuck to it. Because you knew what you had available to you emotionally, physically, financially. And that is all you need to know. So I love you. I'm proud of you and know that you chose not to adapt and that is okay. Have an awesome week. And remember it is never too late to discover your meaning.