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The "So Now What?" Podcast

I am a Fertility Survivor.  The kind you enter into treatments hoping you will never be... childless.  After several rounds of IUI and IVF, at some of the leading Fertility Centers, I was told I was no longer a candidate for fertility treatment.  It left me asking myself...

So now what?

For the years that followed, I tried to put myself back together and tell myself I would be OK, but I wasn't.  I was shattered - I felt alone and failed by the whole process and especially, my body.  I yearned for others that felt the pain I felt and someone that could help me navigate a life without a child. 

I didn't find it, so I decide to create it.  

Fast forward to today. I am still childless, but my beliefs about my life have changed.  I decided that I can create meaning and purpose in my life even though I am not a mother.  I've learned to love myself and the body I felt failed me as a woman.

If you've been on this journey, hop on and join me as we create something we were not offered.  Let's create a sisterhood for the bravest women I know.  We brush ourselves off and don't let terms like: Failed, Unexplained, Miscarriage, Not-viable or Advanced Maternal Age define us anymore.  


Oct 19, 2022

things are progressing here. everything.

Um, thrive after infertility, moving along fabulously. I'm just so in love with the program. I can't wait to talk about when we're gonna open the doors again. If it sounds like something you're interested, let me know now because I think I'm gonna keep it at a small group. I love the vibe, I love the personal interaction we have with one another.

I love that we can communicate with each other. And so yeah, you've been wanting to thrive again after infertility. Let me know. I'd love for you to join our next group. So this week I'm gonna talk about something I think will resonate with most of you because it is one of the most common things that we coach on and as somebody who went through an infertility journey and never became a mom, I really struggled with, and I'm gonna just sort of condense some of the highlights of things that I've worked on with some of my one-on-one students that really have us feeling stuck. And what it is, is that feeling that people feel sorry for.

I mean, we can all recognize the fact that we want people to stop telling us that they are sorry. And one of the things that I find comes up so commonly is that there is just this never ending sympathy people offer when they find out. That you could not become a mom and maybe you can resonate with us.

I know I do. When I tell somebody that I don't have kids and they say, Oh, you know, you still have time, or they offer you whatever they want to offer you, and then they lean in. I could just like vividly see it, put their hand on their chest and almost in a whisper say, I'm so sorry.

I got to a point that I was so sick and tired of people feeling sorry for me. The women that I work with in my community, we are high achievers. We are used to being successful. We are used to being leaders. We are used to being go-getters. And then this thing called infertility happens to you and you feel so set back in your life and this constant feeling that you are worthy of a sympathy card every day really, really grinds.

And how about the people who I know that they do it. I mean, I see that now cuz I've done a lot of work on myself. But this is some of the work that I do with my students is offering the idea that maybe people just don't know what to say and their way of showing compassion is by telling you that they're sorry or telling you that parenthood isn't cracked up.

To what everyone thinks it is or that you can borrow their kids. I mean, we hear that all the time too. And if it feels like you are uncomfortable with these things, know that the people offering you those things probably just don't know what to say. Cause in their mind, they couldn't imagine. What this life feels like and for you right now, it might feel very sad and that pity might just, just no at you.

I know I once was there, but people just don't know that you have this possibility to lead a magnificent life and you have this possibility. To live a life that is so much more fulfilling than children would have brought into your life. What we work on and what my students work on is that feeling of not needing the sympathy. People are always welcome to give it, but if you want to lead your life and perceive your life as something that is, Needing and deserving of sympathy, you are missing out on this life that is waiting for you.

I truly believe that people who offer those words, they don't even. Know how to scratch the surface of imagining what their life would be like without their children, and rightfully so. That is, that is their thing. They were able to become moms. They chose to become moms. Whatever their road to motherhood was, they are so entitled to that.

And I'm not trash talking the amount of purpose and meaning that they. Have in their life that they relate to being a mother. I love that for them. That is so wonderful. But what I want you to know is that you do not need that. You do not need to live a life that feels like it is a Hallmark sympathy card.

There is absolutely so much. That you can uncover with yourself and for your future just by being you. I know that might seem like a stretch for you right now, I get it. I was you, the students I work with were sitting where you are now, where they were angered by that feeling of sympathy. They were angered by.

This sense of pity that they received from people, but they just did not know where to go. That is why I created this community because if you are somebody who does not want to live a life that feels. Deserving of pity and deserving of sympathy. You have so much waiting for you that you just have not discovered and you haven't discovered it.

Cuz there are so few people out there talking about how to live a life that feels even more magnificent than the life you dreamed of being a mom and the ability that we. To show up each day and fill our lives based on who we are as women and who we want to be and who we show up Being every day is one of the most profound gifts that I have taken away from my infertility journey.

Every week, you know, I like to give you a little something that you can chew. A little something that you can know, and I want you to start thinking about a circumstance. Maybe it'll happen to you this week. Maybe it's happened to you recently where you've told somebody that you.

weren't a mom or somebody, they do their prying questions. I know it might be annoying to you, but we gotta give grace to these people and just say that they just, Some people are just really clueless. Okay? Some people don't know what infertility is. Some people just don't realize the path that some of us have gone on and.

we can show them grace. You can come to a point where you can look at them and just say, You know what? They just don't know better. They're not trying to hurt me. They're not trying to pour salt on my wounds. They just don't know. Put yourself in a position where you've maybe been there recently or you're going to maybe have someone provide you the I, I'm so sorry, hand on the chest.

Little drop in the voice and decide right? Then when you walk away from that conversation, stop and have a conversation with yourself and say, Okay, what is it that's coming up for me right now? What do I feel right now? Do I feel anger? Do I feel left out? Do I feel disconnected? What is that feeling that is coming up for?

and knowing that you're having that feeling, start to think , what am I thinking about myself? Or what am I believing about my story that is causing me to feel that way and just sit with it And then maybe even, I love doing this and this is something I work on with my students. Feel Where are you feeling that feeling in your body?

Maybe somewhere there might be some tightness in your chest. Maybe it's closer to your throat. Maybe you feel some tightness when somebody gives you that notion of sympathy and just pay attention to it and then decide is that story.

Is that belief that I'm having about feeling disconnected or. Feeling sorrowful. Is that a belief that I want to have about. And if you have it, there is nothing wrong with you for having that belief, but know that it is optional. And how do I know it's optional?

Because I don't have it anymore. A lot of the students I work with don't carry around those beliefs about themselves anymore. It just takes practice and the more you practice. Yeah, what it is you're feeling and recognizing what it is you are believing, you will get crystal clear on the thoughts and the beliefs that are coming up for you.

So it's kind of like a mini lesson that I teach in the BFA cycle, which by the way I'm doing a free call this coming Thursday so if you're listening to this podcast and you want to listen to my free call on the BFA cycle, Send me a DM or you can go on stitch or you can go on Instagram and register for it in my bio.

But anyway, the Believe, Feel Act Cycle is a tool that I use in my Thrive methodology to get very clear. The story that we are continuously believing about ourself. And so just because somebody has sympathy for us and pity for the path that we went on to become moms that didn't end up the way we initially wanted it to be, that does not mean that we have to believe that story about us forever.

So I love you. Know that your life does not have to be full of sympathy and sadness and pity. And if you're feeling like you need some more work on this, reach out. I would love to help you because I know how stuck you can feel when you're believing those things about you. So have a lovely week and remember, it is never too late to discover your meaning.

I'll talk to you next week.