Mar 14, 2023
St.
Patrick's Day is always historically such a celebration. And where we live in the city was kind of like in the height of everything that was going on. On my morning thrive after infertility mastermind call with our Saturday cohort. And I was looking at the window and the parade route was assembling; people were buzzing through the city with green on.
Jack came home from running some errands and I was like, we need to go out and celebrate St. Patrick's Day, so we got Coco dressed up, ready to go, and we had an absolute blast walking through the city, seeing the river turn green, the people just coming in droves, the bars and the pubs were alive, and everyone just seems so happy.
I don't take that for granted. For a long time after finding out that I couldn't become a mom, I had this relationship with my free time that I was almost angry at it because I really wanted to have a life that I was like busy doing kid stuff and I didn't have that, so when I had this free time to be free and enjoy my life and enjoy this journey. I didn't really come to a healthy relationship with it, but I am at that point now thanks to coaching and the amazing work that I have done with my life coach and really started to embrace the ability that I have to look out a window, wanna be part of something, get dressed and go out and be part of it.
If that's something that you crave, but you find yourself having . of. Relationship with your free time, that it feels almost more suffocating than it does welcoming. I want to just acknowledge that, that that is real. It is possible to have that feeling about not knowing what to do with your time and wishing that your time was more scheduled because you wanted to have kids and you wanted to be the mom that would cart kids around on a Saturday, to soccer, to dance, to all these things that we thought were going to be part of our lives.
And because they aren't, , it doesn't mean that you can't enjoy your free time. You just might need a little bit of help from a coach, from somebody who has been down your path, and I would so love to be that person for you. So let's transition today to a topic that might be very sensitive. For you to listen to and sensitive for you to put your arms around, and I want to first tell you that this is not something that might ever become easy for you to do, but I like to talk about the stuff that is challenging for us and the things that I have seen myself go through, the things that I see my students bring up in class during the Mastermind, or if we're in a one-on-one session, and I want to just let you know and hear it from me that nothing is wrong with you if you find yourself.
Sitting in a group of people, maybe it's at work, maybe you have somebody in your workplace who is pregnant, maybe somebody who complains. about how terrible their morning sickness is, or annoyed at how swollen their legs become because they're eight months pregnant, and how hard it is to sleep and move around and you're listening to that conversation and just wanting to curl up in a ball because all you ever wanted was to know what that feeling was like. Maybe you find yourself going out with friends with kids and you so looked forward to your girls' night. Or to your brunch together and everything seems fine, then the conversation's going, and then things start to turn all about kid stuff, and you find yourself feeling like you've got nothing to say, and so then there's this awkward moment where you feel like you need to chime in. and you want to feel like you're part of the conversation, and so something comes outta your mouth and then you think to yourself, why did I even say that?
I sound so silly for even bringing something like that up. People probably think I'm weird, so let's just acknowledge that that happens and there are times when you feel so disconnected from the conversation and you feel as though people should know. How could people that know what you went through even think about having this conversation in front of you?
The sad reality is those conversations aren't going anywhere. And maybe you are lucky and you've never been put in that, in that situation. And that is totally fine. But keep listening cuz there might be a time when you have this awkward moment where you feel. So violated and feels so misunderstood and unloved because you couldn't imagine that somebody who knows your story and knows the journey that you've been on would even bring up a complaint about being pregnant or point out something that seems so unfair to you.
I'd like to talk today about some of the options that can implement if you find yourself in these circumstances. I first want to give you the spaciousness to tell you no matter what you decide and what you feel, it is valid, do not feel as though you should be further along from this or that people are gonna think you're weak if you respond in a way.
Gets them feeling a little bit uncomfortable or maybe gets them realizing that this was not a conversation that you felt comfortable being around. I first want to acknowledge your feelings and no matter what your reaction is, I I just want to tell you that it is valid, and you are allowed to have it.
And please try not to have judgment for yourself for reacting in whatever way that you do. But Create in your mind some planned responses or some planned actions that you might take if you find yourself in this circumstance. One thing that I, I've talked about, and we've put this list together actually with some of my students recently, is finding an ally in the group.
So maybe not everyone knows your story. Maybe not everyone is privy to the number of miscarriages you've had or the numbers of IUI or IVFF cycles that you've been through, and they just start b blabbering along and there is someone in the crowd that knows what's going on.
So maybe you can identify an ally for you, somebody across the table or across the room, link eyes. and have that be your person and know that they are there and that they know your story. And no matter what's being said around you, you have that person across the room who is there for you and loves you and is supporting you, even if it's silently.
Maybe find an opportunity to get yourself busy, and it doesn't have to be. Very like dramatic. It could be dramatic. If you want to pick up your phone and do a big sigh and get on your phone, God bless. Do that. Maybe you want to just pick up your phone and even if it's scrolling through social media, just to ignore the conversation and have the conversation continue and you not have to actively be a part of it, that is fine too.
Maybe you wanna text a group of friends. We've established this in my Thrive after Infertility Mastermind. We have a group chat and if someone is going through something, it is understood that you pick up your phone and you text us. You tell us what you're going through cuz we're there to hear you, to understand you and be there for you.
So maybe you have a group or someone that you can message when something like that goes. , even if it's just scrolling through Facebook, scrolling through Instagram, whatever it is, just to take your attention out of the conversation and maybe people might notice and people might say, oh, I noticed Lana there in the corner on her phone while I'm talking about baby formula, or the best car seat that you should get for your newborn baby.
And maybe that might be a trigger for her, So I'm going to stop talking right now, and we can't control whether people do or don't do that. But if that's what preserves you from having to actively be part of that conversation, that is so, okay, maybe you want to step away. Maybe that's a good time for you to pick up and go to the restroom.
Pick up, take your phone, go outside, make a phone call, something that just removes you from the conversation to me. that is such a good option and something that is preserving of you and preserving of your energy. Or maybe you want to say something and that is okay too. A lot of us feel very uncomfortable telling someone that we feel uncomfortable with their conversation, but we are allowed if we want to set those parameters for us and set those boundaries for us, go right for.
A lot of times we judge ourselves and we think somebody's gonna think we're weird, somebody's gonna think that we're jealous or we're haters or we're not happy for them. And that's okay. That's them. Allow them to think what they want. Cuz what we are doing is managing what we think about us.
And then lastly, when these things come up for you, What is the reminder you want to have in your mind? And that goes along with creating a story for yourself. What is the story that you want to remember? Maybe it's a few sentences that you can put together. Maybe it sounds something like, I know how bad you wanted this, and I know how hard these conversations are for you to hear, but I want you to remember that what you tried, you tried with all of your heart.
and you did everything you could to achieve your goal of motherhood. And even though it didn't happen for you, I still love yourself and I'm here for you, and I'm gonna do whatever I can to support you. So I'm gonna leave you with that thought today and think about the words that you want to put together on paper.
What do you want to remind yourself of when you are unknowingly or. Not prepared to be put in front of a conversation that makes you feel unheard and uncured for, and remind yourself that as long as you remind yourself that you are cared for by you and me and the thousands of other women in this community, that if you had all of our phone numbers, I promise you that we would pick up our phone and we would tell you how beautiful and amazing and lovely.
And brave and strong and proud you should be of who you are. So have a beautiful week. I love you. And remember, it is never too late to discover your meeting. I'll talk to you next week.