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The "So Now What?" Podcast

I am a Fertility Survivor.  The kind you enter into treatments hoping you will never be... childless.  After several rounds of IUI and IVF, at some of the leading Fertility Centers, I was told I was no longer a candidate for fertility treatment.  It left me asking myself...

So now what?

For the years that followed, I tried to put myself back together and tell myself I would be OK, but I wasn't.  I was shattered - I felt alone and failed by the whole process and especially, my body.  I yearned for others that felt the pain I felt and someone that could help me navigate a life without a child. 

I didn't find it, so I decide to create it.  

Fast forward to today. I am still childless, but my beliefs about my life have changed.  I decided that I can create meaning and purpose in my life even though I am not a mother.  I've learned to love myself and the body I felt failed me as a woman.

If you've been on this journey, hop on and join me as we create something we were not offered.  Let's create a sisterhood for the bravest women I know.  We brush ourselves off and don't let terms like: Failed, Unexplained, Miscarriage, Not-viable or Advanced Maternal Age define us anymore.  


Nov 29, 2022

This week we talk about why we being good enough is unattainable for us. It feels like it's just something that we never fully achieve, that we do these things, we try these things. Are put into circumstances that we weren't necessarily expecting to have, and we go at life feeling like, mm, my life's gonna be okay.

It'll be like average, but it's just never gonna be good enough. There's always gonna be somebody whose life feels more complete or they feel like there's so much more fortunate than you because they were able to become moms or able to have children or adopt or whatever the case was. And we walk around almost with this tattoo on our chest that says, I'm not good enough and I really wanna talk about this today because it's something that we need to start to disengage from a story that isn't true and a story that doesn't make you feel proud of who you are and make you feel like you're in control of your life.

I wanna practice learning how to show up with some authentic. In what it is that you're looking to achieve and believe about yourself. So I wanna first ask you, whenever you hear yourself telling you that you're not good enough, how does it feel? I would be like super frustrated and I have been, and I would really want to wish I could stop thinking that way.

And maybe you think that there's something wrong with you, that you're still thinking this thought that people tell you all the time how lucky you are, that you're so strong, you've gone through all of this stuff and you still have , your life together and people tell you things. You think that something is wrong with you, that people see your life so differently than you do, and I really want to get you to start thinking about why you have a relationship with the thought.

I'm not good enough.

Maybe you're telling yourself you're not thin enough. You're not articulate enough, you're not smart enough, you don't work hard enough, or maybe you're too much of something, or you believe that you're too loud, you're too fat, maybe you're too successful and you try to shy away from that. So there's variations of that thought.

And when you see those things coming up for you, what do you. Do you think that it's something you're always gonna struggle with? Do you think that it's something you'll never be able to get rid of? And I ask you that because it does come up so often and I too have been there. But after this episode, you will not ever want to have the desire to get rid of that thought, because you're gonna start to understand how to use that thought and create a deeper relationship with yourself because of it. So start by noticing all the stories and all of the relationship that we have created with this thought, and just decide that for right now, you're gonna set them aside and I'm gonna help you get really curious and understand why your brain might be offering this thought to you in different ways.

Maybe your brain's telling you that you're never gonna get promoted, that you'll never have the right job come around to explore a new career. You're never gonna be able to lose weight or whatever it is that it is. That's coming up for you in your life right now. Just imagine that thought that comes up for you.

I want you to first give yourself some sort of relief in the fact that you are not thinking this alone. And that is so why I brought that up for this week's topic is because it comes up so often. People are accustomed to believing that what they do is just not good enough.

And it seems like we all have that sentence on repeat because it's just a habit that is created in our brain, and maybe there's a little bit of social comparison and a social desire to really belong .

it's so common as humans that we measure the way that we show up in our lives against. Somebody else or in relation to others, and something that we've accepted for ourselves that we didn't have resources to actually question. So we just adopt those standards as very intentional and deliberate, many of us just have this sentence on repeat in our brain because our brain is designed to.

Seek repetition and continuously do things and become efficient in a way that it just automatically knows what to do and what to think when certain things come up. So you have not done anything wrong. It's just that your brain has created this habit to think that you're not good enough, but it does not have to remain your truth.

When we look at the thought, I'm not good enough. I'd love for you to start to get curious about when that comes up for you. Maybe you can even identify the last time you did something and your thought was, eh, it wasn't good enough. Or it was average, or I could have probably done a better job, or I wish I would've done that differently.

You can stop there and start to create some questions for yourself. Why am I thinking that? What about the action I just completed or the task I just completed? Am I not fully satisfied with why do I. It's not good enough. And when we start to create that space for ourselves, it's amazing how we can realize that a lot of the things that we think aren't good enough are just adopted beliefs by somebody else.

Maybe it's not a big deal to you that you don't know how to cook a Turkey. Some people, they don't care if they don't mind ordering out because they're like, you know what? That's just not my wheelhouse. But maybe you tried creating a perfect Thanksgiving meal and the ham turned out dry. And one of the desserts that you thought was gonna be fabulous was not so great.

And you could either look at it as, my Gus will never come back. I'm not good enough. I don't have a good gene to learn how to cook. Or just be like, you know what? My meal wasn't great, but we had an awesome. People didn't come there to have my food. Yeah, people want to eat when they come to my house, but the main attraction at my house is not the meal, it's the company.

All right, so I'm gonna offer you a couple questions to do some paper thinking on what do you want to be worthy. So you hear yourself say, good enough or not good enough, or average, or, I could be better, but what do you want to be worthy of? Do you wanna be worthy of admiration and respect? And regardless of what people say to you or how people treat you, do you want to be worthy of your own?

value and your own self respect.

So in order to be worthy of acceptance, what do you think you need to be?

All right, question two, who do you want to be good enough for? If, if anyone, I mean, is there someone in your life that you want to be good enough for?

A partner, a coworker, your niece, your mom, your sister, and if there is an attachment there to be good enough for somebody or an attachment with a person, you can learn what it is that you think that person will offer. If you are good enough for them. All right, question three. How does this definition serve me for where I'm going?

And this is so important to understand because if we know that we want to create a life that we love being us and without children and without having to have something external. From us in order to feel good about ourselves, then we need to understand where do we wanna go in our future? Like why is this something that is important to us?

You were able to create so many amazing things in your life. And there's no reason for you to try and tell yourself that

you not being able to have children has to create a definition for yourself that makes you feel that you're not good enough. . All right, next question.

Why do I want to be good enough for these people and what am I telling myself will change for.

So in order for you to step into your own authenticity, to be more aware of who you are, you have to start to recognize that the game of enoughness is unwinnable. When we constantly set the bar higher than. Anyone has ever reached, or maybe two people in the world have ever reached, like, when we have this idea of perfection as our norm, then we're always going to be disappointed.

So I want you to think about this this week and really get to understand how you can start to show yourself some more acceptance and awareness when you. Allowing yourself to be proud of who you are when you're telling yourself that you'll never be good enough or you're not good enough, or that meal wasn't good enough, or the email you sent off wasn't strong enough.

I mean, there's 1,000,001 things that we go through in our day telling ourselves it could have been better, but what if you were perfect? Just the way you are because you are a perfect gift from above. So I love you. I hope to see you at the holiday party. If you haven't heard about my holiday party, festive after infertility, I'd love for you to go to my bio, sign up, join me, and be festive and bring cheer, cuz that's really what it's about.

I wanted to get women together in a virtual forum where we are celebrating who we. And believing that we are enough. So I love you. Have a great week, and remember, it is never too late to discover your meaning. I'll talk to you next week.