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The "So Now What?" Podcast

I am a Fertility Survivor.  The kind you enter into treatments hoping you will never be... childless.  After several rounds of IUI and IVF, at some of the leading Fertility Centers, I was told I was no longer a candidate for fertility treatment.  It left me asking myself...

So now what?

For the years that followed, I tried to put myself back together and tell myself I would be OK, but I wasn't.  I was shattered - I felt alone and failed by the whole process and especially, my body.  I yearned for others that felt the pain I felt and someone that could help me navigate a life without a child. 

I didn't find it, so I decide to create it.  

Fast forward to today. I am still childless, but my beliefs about my life have changed.  I decided that I can create meaning and purpose in my life even though I am not a mother.  I've learned to love myself and the body I felt failed me as a woman.

If you've been on this journey, hop on and join me as we create something we were not offered.  Let's create a sisterhood for the bravest women I know.  We brush ourselves off and don't let terms like: Failed, Unexplained, Miscarriage, Not-viable or Advanced Maternal Age define us anymore.  


Dec 14, 2021

on this week's podcast, I'm going to talk to you about what's wrong with being sad. Okay, you ready? I'll cut to the chase and tell you in one word. What's wrong with being sad? Nothing. There is absolutely nothing not one thing wrong with being sad around the holidays. Yet somehow we have this level of discomfort with feeling sadness, and I know I get it. We judge ourselves when we aren't all smiles and when we aren't all cheery and we just don't know how to truly get curious about it or understand it, let alone feel it. Because we're too busy judging ourselves for feeling sadness and a time when we're expecting ourselves to be joyous. And we think that others expect us to be joyous. So give yourself some grace and some love to be sad. It makes sense the holidays. Bring a lot of emotions up for us. It's one more year that we didn't get pregnant one more year, that we don't have a child to help write a letter to Santa or dress them up to go stand in that line at the mall and sit on Santos lap. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to feel lonely and misunderstood. And know that you're not alone in this. People will try to cheer you up and say things that don't necessarily move your needle on sadness. And it's okay.
Speaker 1
And I think people just genuinely feel discomfort when people are sad around them. So they think that they have to come up with these exceptional things to say to get you out of here. or sadness. And in oftentimes it gets us to a point where we even feel more sadness around the words that they say, I was working with one of my clients this week that's been having a lot of judgment for herself around how she's feeling about the holidays. And she shared her sadness with one of her girlfriends, who was trying to, I think, make her feel better. Her friend said, when she was talking about how she was, you know, really dreading the upcoming holidays, and just really looking forward to them. Her friend was basically telling her not to forget why we celebrate Christmas, that it has nothing to do with having a child and writing letters to Santa or Christmas shopping or sitting on Santos lap, but it's a celebration of the birth of Christ. And that she should really stop focusing so much on the fact that she's sad about being childless. So we got to talking about this in our session. And when we got to the nitty gritty of what was going on with those words that were said to her, we identified that she was thinking that she should be handling this differently. And when she's thinking that she should be handling it differently, she's feeling embarrassed. And from a feeling of embarrassment, she's downplaying her feelings. She's clamming up, she's judging herself. And she's not letting herself feel her feelings. So as long as she's thinking, I should be handling this differently and feeling embarrassed, she doesn't handle or confront her feelings. And so she's almost setting herself up for this constant avoidance of her feelings and embarrassment for her feelings. Because she's simply telling herself that she should be doing something differently. And if you are a client of mine, or know about the way that I practice, in my coaching practice, you know that you are always in control of how you want to think, and how you want to feel. And people can say whatever the hell they want. And it may be from a place of empathy, or not, or they may say something that's really heartless and comes off very hurtful to you. But regardless of what words are said to you, you always have control of how you interpret the words that are said to you. So as we continued on in our session, we really worked through some alternative thoughts that she could have, instead of thinking I should be handling this differently. We decided that a better thought would be, I'm doing the best that I can. And when she's thinking the thought, I'm doing the best that I can. She's feeling so much more compassion for herself. So she's feeling compassionate. And from a sense of feeling of compassion, she can then just get curious about why those words are bothering her, not judge herself, and when so when she's getting curious and not judging herself. She's truly putting herself in her needs first. So it's just the opportunity, we have to just evaluate the thoughts that we come up with in our mind. And just get curious about the thought and play a little bit with deciding is that a thought that's useful to me is that thought, creating the feelings that I want to have on a daily basis. Because as long as you give your operative opportunity to think and feel to somebody else, for words that come out of their mouth, you're always going to be held hostage by others. And not taking control of the life in the feelings and the emotions that come along with we being humans. So when it comes to the holidays, and if you find yourself feeling sad, feel sad.
Speaker 1
There's absolutely nothing wrong with being sad, because if we don't feel sadness, we never find joy. And life is 5050 Folks, we've talked about that before that, if we don't get down in the dumps, if we don't allow ourselves to go into the pits and valleys, we'll never know what it feels like to summit the mountain. So as we get closer and closer to what I call a date on the calendar, so it could be a birthday, it could be Christmas, it could be New Years, there's just this number that falls on a calendar that we give so much power to how we think we should feel or what we should be accomplishing on this date, or what we should have achieved by this date. And all it is, is numbers on a calendar. So if you want to feel sad, God bless you go feel sad, if you want to feel sad half the day and decide that you want to crawl out of your covers, and just appear and just show up. Do that too. But there's absolutely no one who should have expectations for how you feel and how you show up more than you. So as you know, I am a huge proponent of feeling your feelings and not shying away from your feelings, not judging yourself, for your feelings. But just get curious about your feelings. Because the more we feel our feelings, we realize that we are human that we survive. And the more that we feel these things, our hearts and our mind is open to feeling all of the wonderful things that go on in our lives to feel it all. And love it all and embrace it all. And get curious about it all and you will live such a robust and honest and truthful life for yourself. That's it for this week. Thank you so much for all the support and all the love. And I wanted to ask if you could just please go on and give me a rating and leave me a comment. If you know anything about technology and rankings these days, the more commentary and the more involvement I have from the community. The more my podcast will show up when people are searching for a community like ours. So if you could just take a moment to give me a rating and leave just a comment. I would certainly appreciate it. Have an awesome week and remember, it's never too late to discover your meeting. tatty next week but bye