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The "So Now What?" Podcast

I am a Fertility Survivor.  The kind you enter into treatments hoping you will never be... childless.  After several rounds of IUI and IVF, at some of the leading Fertility Centers, I was told I was no longer a candidate for fertility treatment.  It left me asking myself...

So now what?

For the years that followed, I tried to put myself back together and tell myself I would be OK, but I wasn't.  I was shattered - I felt alone and failed by the whole process and especially, my body.  I yearned for others that felt the pain I felt and someone that could help me navigate a life without a child. 

I didn't find it, so I decide to create it.  

Fast forward to today. I am still childless, but my beliefs about my life have changed.  I decided that I can create meaning and purpose in my life even though I am not a mother.  I've learned to love myself and the body I felt failed me as a woman.

If you've been on this journey, hop on and join me as we create something we were not offered.  Let's create a sisterhood for the bravest women I know.  We brush ourselves off and don't let terms like: Failed, Unexplained, Miscarriage, Not-viable or Advanced Maternal Age define us anymore.  


Mar 23, 2022

I am recording from my new apartment we moved to last week, everything went great, except I cannot find my headset that I normally record my podcast on. So I'm going to apologize ahead of time if my sound quality is kind of janky this week. 


In last week's episode, we talked about what we have, maybe some of it is necessary, maybe a lot of it in our lives is just robust and things that we don't need. We talked about how it feels to let go of things that you don't need, and why we hang on to things out of a sense of comfort. So that was really well received.

I'm so glad of all the feedback I've gotten from people that are going through and thinking about what things you have that are serving you and what things you're holding on to in your life that maybe are holding you back from moving into the next chapter. So I thought it would be interesting this week to talk to you about saying goodbye. 


Sometimes we say goodbye to things that we're not prepared to say goodbye to sometimes we're doing it deliberately. And sometimes we just really don't take time to process how to say goodbye. And honestly, I don't know that there's an actual right or wrong way to say goodbye. But I thought this week I would share some opportunities for you to think about how to say goodbye to things in your life. Let's start from deciding that we can do it from a sense of gratitude. Many of us, when things change in our lives, circumstances change, we have these beliefs that it's got to be an uncomfortable or scary or daunting move that we are experiencing in our lives. 

What if we decide that we want to experience our goodbyes with a sense of gratitude? 

What if we decided that we were the ones that decided that we wanted to say goodbye instead of waiting for the goodbye to come to us? I would equate this to leaving our house that I thought was going to be the house that I raise a family and our children in, so I decided to write a goodbye letter. So maybe this is something that you can do for something else that's going on in your life, maybe take some time and say goodbye. 

What would you want to say if you had an opportunity to think through what you're saying goodbye to? 

Is it really a physical thing, or is it a collection of memories that are contained somewhere in your mind that you associate with that tangible thing or that place? 

There were a lot of memories that I left behind that weren't great at that house. I remember sitting on a sofa and getting the call, that a cycle had been canceled.  That was going to be my last, final cycle and not being able to travel and even have the experience of going through a retrieval that memory was contained in that house. I remember being on a medication during one of my cycles that caused me so much pain in my legs, and the only relief that I could get was soaking in a bathtub. And every time I would look at that bathtub, I would think about those painful times of going through my fertility treatments. So that's where I got the idea before we moved out of our house that I would go through and I would write a letter to my house and recount all of the things whether they were in “air quotes”, good or bad or negative or positive. And I would just go through and I would recognize all of the growth, all of the experience, the heartache, the love that I felt in that house and realize that it wasn't the four walls that were providing me those feelings. It was my mind and the feelings and the thoughts and the beliefs that I took away from those experiences that I had while living in that house. So it was a very powerful thing for me to do. I thought it would be a great thing to come and offer you some ideas of ways to get thought starters going and implement opportunities to maybe say goodbye to some things in your life that you're ready to move on from, but possibly it's a little challenging for you to take that next step. 


One thing that I worked really hard on was finding happiness before leaving our house. And that could be anything in your life too, whether it's a job, or relationship, your IVF treatment…

Are you able to be at peace with the decision that you're going to make to leave something or cease something and not be at a point where you feel like it was taken from you? 

To cognitively be at peace and be confident in the decision you're making? 

To move on from something or to leave something? 


I'd say a lot of us feel that we really have to be unhappy in order to leave something. A big question that I get from my clients is “How do you know if you're leaving something because you are unhappy?” And the main thing that I've recognized is that when you feel like there's a sense of urgency or a sense of rush to escape something, or to leave it, that usually means that you're not fully at peace, or happy with your decision to move on from something.

If you can leave something slowly, with love, communication and nurturing, then I think you're at a point where you're ready to leave something from a sense of love and happiness. One of the greatest examples I could give you is choosing to discontinue IVF, or fertility treatments. It's a huge thing that I find many of us lack peace with ourselves, that we've chosen to leave that part of our journey. It's not just leaving that journey, it's truly deciding that you're not going to pursue having children anymore. Maybe it's choosing not to get an egg donor, choosing not to go through an adoption process. And I think so many of us feel that we need to justify our reasons why the adoption wasn't the right answer for us, or why choosing an egg donor wasn't something that we chose to move forward with. 


I think it's so important that we take an opportunity to recognize why that decision was not right for us, instead of worrying about what others are gonna think of us because we did not take all the options that were available to us. 

Is it possible for you to leave or make a decision to leave something out of a sense of love for yourself? 

Do you know yourself well enough to know that this is the right decision for you and not worrying about what other people are gonna think? 

Or whether you're disappointing others because you're choosing to make a decision to leave something or to stop something? 

I think that question becomes twofold. Because if you're stopping something, do you truly like your reason why you're choosing to stop it?


These questions I'm offering to you can really be used in so many different aspects of your life. So maybe you're thinking about changing jobs, maybe you're thinking about moving, maybe you're thinking about stopping your fertility treatments, maybe you're thinking about ending a relationship that you're in. Many of us wait until we get to a point that we feel like we don't have any other option but to leave something. But if we can start looking at things in our lives that come up and cognitively make the decision to leave something or change something in our lives because it is something that we've truly thought about and given a lot of love and nurturing for ourselves in order for us to get ourselves to a point that we want to continue to have forward growth in our life.

 It was just a perfect example that I can share with you this week of writing that letter, because it just was really an emotional thing, but maybe it's something that you're saying goodbye to in your life of a past that you once had. 

Maybe you're writing a letter to the woman that thought she was going to be a mom and you're telling her that it's okay that you love her anyway, that the world is going to love you and think you're wonderful, whether you bore a child or not.

 So this week, think about something that you want to say goodbye to - and it doesn't have to be something earth shattering and revolutionary. Maybe it is literally a pair of sweatpants that have a hole in them that you just love how comfy they are. The thought that you want to change jobs, maybe it's something that you've been dreaming of doing. But you know, you have to close one chapter before you open a new chapter. So think about what it might be that you want to say goodbye to in your life. And let's start thinking about how we can create a plan that doesn't feel rushed, that you can truly feel love and gratitude and a sense of hope for what is coming next. That it feels good for you to say goodbye to that thing. So I want you to think about that this week. Please DM me, let me know what you came up with.

While I'm talking about DMs, I just want to say how overwhelmed and happy I am. When I get messages from all of you and I know you ladies know who I'm talking to if you're listening right now who reached out these past couple of weeks with ideas for podcasts, with feedback on how this podcast has helped you form a new way of thinking about living your life with infertility or living your life without children. So I just want to say thank you so much. And please continue to reach out. And let me know what resonates with you, what you want to hear about what you want to talk about. And I promise you that what you have to say is so meaningful to others. And all it takes is one person to start telling their story for others to know that they can feel a sense of relief, that they're not alone in this journey. So being of telling our story, I am beyond thrilled that I was featured in a magazine that just hit the newsstands today. It's called Link2us. It's available at Barnes and Noble, Books a Million and at stellar bookstores, which are in some of the largest airports out there, la X LaGuardia Newark, San Diego, San Francisco, Minneapolis, though tons of airports have stellar book stores. So look for link2us magazine, flip to page 51. And you will read about my story talking about if you don't do hard things, you'll never discover how strong you are. So take a look for that if you come across it if you would do me the hugest favor and take a picture of the article if you want a selfie yourself and take a picture of the article and post it on Instagram and tag me I would love for you to give a little bit of hype for me and of course for the magazine and read the magazine because it is dedicated to people who do some amazing things. And I think we can all build a love for one another if we continue to celebrate the triumphs and the successes and the courage that other people show out there making differences in this world.

So have an awesome week, and remember it is never too late to discover your meeting.