Preview Mode Links will not work in preview mode

The "So Now What?" Podcast

I am a Fertility Survivor.  The kind you enter into treatments hoping you will never be... childless.  After several rounds of IUI and IVF, at some of the leading Fertility Centers, I was told I was no longer a candidate for fertility treatment.  It left me asking myself...

So now what?

For the years that followed, I tried to put myself back together and tell myself I would be OK, but I wasn't.  I was shattered - I felt alone and failed by the whole process and especially, my body.  I yearned for others that felt the pain I felt and someone that could help me navigate a life without a child. 

I didn't find it, so I decide to create it.  

Fast forward to today. I am still childless, but my beliefs about my life have changed.  I decided that I can create meaning and purpose in my life even though I am not a mother.  I've learned to love myself and the body I felt failed me as a woman.

If you've been on this journey, hop on and join me as we create something we were not offered.  Let's create a sisterhood for the bravest women I know.  We brush ourselves off and don't let terms like: Failed, Unexplained, Miscarriage, Not-viable or Advanced Maternal Age define us anymore.  


Jun 21, 2022

 Thanks for joining us again on the, so now what podcast, first off wanna tell you, thank you to everyone who gave me a rating and review of the podcast. As you know, I am repeating every week that I have a goal of 10,000 downloads of the podcast.

By labor day of this year. So if you've listened to an episode and it has spoken to you, if you've taken just a glimmer of a new Pearl or a new thought or a new belief that you've started to work on in your life, I invite you to please go on. And give me a rating and review of the podcast so that I could meet my goal of 10,000 downloads and help more women like us learn to love their life, even if they're not gonna be moms.

So the more ratings and reviews we get, the more, the good old algorithm works to route people to the podcast and help them start their journey to healing and to loving again. Last week we started talking about the manual. So, you know, I always love to get feedback on what's making sense for you. What maybe needs a little bit more hashing out.

And I am not surprised that we need to do some more hashing out about what it is to have a manual for someone cuz as I mentioned in last week's episode, This was really a game changer for me, but something that took me a bit of understanding and a bit of practicing in my own life with relationships I had with others to see how much control I really own in the way that I feel every day and the control that I have to make the words of others.

Affect me or not affect me. And that doesn't mean that I don't get rattled by things that people say or that I don't stop and take pause and allow words of others to make me feel less than, or make me feel like I haven't tried enough or I'm not good enough. I just know that I have the ability to, to decide how long do I want to believe that somebody's story can truly define me.

So this is work that I continue to do on myself. But now that I understand what a manual is and the fact that I always have the power to bring somebody's words into me or not bring them into me, that's where the game changer part of the manual really lies. So I'm gonna go through today. And as I mentioned in last week's episode, I'm gonna dive a little bit deeper.

So we talked last week about how other people's behaviors don't have to make you suffer. So words that people say, questions that people may ask of us. The advice people love to give us because we don't have kids. And they think that they might have thought of something that we haven't thought of when somebody offers you their words.

They don't have to make you suffer, but at this point in the game, they might bother you and they might make you question yourself and might make you feel really defensive of yourself. And there's nothing wrong with you. If you're feeling defensive, when someone says something to you, but what I want you to understand that you being upset by somebody who shares their feelings or their thoughts with you.

they do not have the control to make you feel any way other than how you want to feel. And we were raised to believe like if we did something, we would hurt Joey's feelings, or if you don't do this, you'll really hurt mommy's feelings. We have been ingrained to believe that our actions. Or the things that we do or don't do can really affect others.

So let's think about how that's been ingrained in us as people, that things that we do, we might wanna shy away from doing something, cuz God forbid we don't wanna hurt someone's feelings or we don't wanna offend somebody, but how many times. have you been in a situation where you said something and somebody was really upset with you or thought you were a total jerk for doing something or saying something and you had zero intention of it coming out that way, or you had the best of intentions for somebody and things just blew up in your face now.

Really want you to ask yourself, why did that happen? You know, that you did not mean for somebody to be hurt by your words or hurt by your actions, but they were. So then you find yourself being like, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it. I mean, we all probably have friendships and things that have happened between other people that maybe have broken a bond or severed a relationship or changed a relationship with somebody simply because words that you might have said to somebody.

They were not interpreted the way that you meant them. So imagine that burden that we carry around as people that we are constantly concerned or worried that what we might say might affect people in a way that we don't want them to be affected. When we understand that we have the ability. For ourselves, not for your friend, not for the person on the other side of things who doesn't listen to this podcast and maybe has never heard of the manual, but if you can start with yourself as the first person who's been exposed to this, and you understand that you have the ability regardless, Of what someone says, or if it came out a way that they didn't mean, or if they're just an asshole and just wanted to be a jerk to you that day.

Imagine if you could continue on with your day and you did not have to feel overcome with feelings of disappoint, disappointment, feelings of regret, feelings of missing out feelings of. Yearning to have a life other than the life that you're currently living. And if you are walking around and allowing yourself to be affected by words of other people, you're constantly gonna be in this valley of emotions and only allowing yourself to feel the way that you truly want to feel.

If people are saying things that don't affect you. So hear me clearly, when I tell you that you are not gonna just flip a switch and never as a human be affected by what people say or do you are just going to learn how to understand that it is up to you to decide how you want other people to affect you and how you want other people to get into your brain and get into your chamber of your soul.

Drive how you're feeling and showing up for you each day. Because when we give that authority a way to other people, we'll never be able to fully embrace life as we want it to be for us. So the story that I'm sharing with you is the story of how I came to understand that my manual I had for other people.

was constantly being disrespected in my mind. It was constantly not being followed. I started to see that I was having a lot of dissatisfaction with my relationships with other people, because I wanted them to behave in a certain way. And I was very detailed and very precise about how I wanted others to react to me.

when I had this book of rules and expectations for what's normal, what's kind and what are acceptable behaviors for somebody who's going through infertility treatments or somebody who's questioning their life and questioning their future and people in my life and strangers came around and weren't following that manual.

I gave away so much of my. Desired feelings and peace and serenity that I was just wishing that I could feel for so long after finishing my infertility treatments. So as long as I give that away and allowed how other people reacted to me or towards me, I was just always gonna be beholden to them. to act a certain way, so I could feel a certain way.

And that's really how you know that you are having a manual for somebody that if they do X, then you can feel Y. if you find yourself in situations where you're like, I just wish Monica knew that I do not want to go to her baby shower. And when Monica sends me an invitation, she is being disrespectful of me or being assumptive of me that I'm okay.

Enough to go to her baby shower. So all of a sudden we've made Monica this bad person because we have not communicated with Monica and said, Monica, I would so love to come to your baby shower, but I'm just not there. Or Monica. Thank you so much for thinking to invite me. I'm just not sure that I can really muster up the energy to come to the baby shower.

So instead we create this story about what an awful person or assumptive person or not a good friend Monica is because she sent us a baby shower invitation. So as you're learning more about the manual, please hear me. When I say the manual. is not something that is gonna take the place for you setting boundaries in your life.

And for other people, that's a totally different thing that we can cover off on another episode, but the manual is more so when you have expectations for how other people should treat you. Words people should say to you, actions they should take. You oftentimes have not even communicated your expectations of other people.

But that said, even if you've communicated expectations, knowing that people do not have enough power. To supersede what it is that you want to feel in your heart and for yourself and the feelings that you want to walk around with every single day. So when you understand that you have the ability to feel how you want to feel based on what you are, allowing yourself to.

the world is just gonna open up to you and you will feel so much more self confident. You will put yourself out there and you will see yourself. I know for me, I saw myself inserting me in. in opportunities that I never felt I would ever feel comfortable being around or being put in, because I knew that regardless of what someone said or someone did, I had no expectations of other people.

The only expectations I had were for myself. and I knew that if I could show up every day, having the confidence that I could be, who I wanted to be, and that I chose the feelings that I wanted to feel, then I could show up most, anywhere and not to have to go home and sob in my pillow. So if you're finding this to be of interest to you, and I truly hope you do, because it is really the greatest way that you can liberate yourself from being captive by what other people say and do to you.

I'm gonna give you a couple exercises that you can. Work on this week when you're doing your paper thinking. So I'd love for you when you're doing your paper, thinking to start to write some thoughts that you have about yourself and then thoughts about other people in your life and just let it flow.

And. I want you to take one person that you want to focus on for the week. Now think about your relationship with this person. It could be somebody that you have in your mind, a great relationship with, or somebody that maybe you are trying to do some work on in your relationship. And I want you to write your manual for them.

I want you to write down everything that you expect of them, things that you want them to show up, doing words that you would like to hear them say, Do not hold back. Just write down everything that you have in your mind about how you want this person to act towards you, specifically towards you. And then we are gonna go through and decide.

are these, some of these things worth sharing with that person? Are you willing to sit down with this person and say, Hey, listen, I would really like to strengthen our relationship. And these are some of the things that I would find mutually beneficial for us to grow our relationship on because as we discussed, oftentimes we have a manual for how we want people to operate yet.

We never show them or tell them. What we have expectations of for our relationship or our friendship with one another. So, thanks again for all the feedback. If you're questioning how this is even possible or questioning how you can start to implement the understanding of how manuals work and where they show up in your life, reach out to me because the more I understand what you're needing.

And more clarification I can offer the more value you're gonna get out of the time that we spent together and this, the exercises that I offer you here on the, so now what podcast? So have an awesome week and remember it is never too late to discover your meaning. I'll talk to you next week.