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The "So Now What?" Podcast

I am a Fertility Survivor.  The kind you enter into treatments hoping you will never be... childless.  After several rounds of IUI and IVF, at some of the leading Fertility Centers, I was told I was no longer a candidate for fertility treatment.  It left me asking myself...

So now what?

For the years that followed, I tried to put myself back together and tell myself I would be OK, but I wasn't.  I was shattered - I felt alone and failed by the whole process and especially, my body.  I yearned for others that felt the pain I felt and someone that could help me navigate a life without a child. 

I didn't find it, so I decide to create it.  

Fast forward to today. I am still childless, but my beliefs about my life have changed.  I decided that I can create meaning and purpose in my life even though I am not a mother.  I've learned to love myself and the body I felt failed me as a woman.

If you've been on this journey, hop on and join me as we create something we were not offered.  Let's create a sisterhood for the bravest women I know.  We brush ourselves off and don't let terms like: Failed, Unexplained, Miscarriage, Not-viable or Advanced Maternal Age define us anymore.  


Jul 20, 2022

This week we are talking about feeling in control. It’s easy to feel out of control during your fertility treatments, but when your fertility treatments end and you are left without a baby that’s a whole nother set up uncontrollables you feel like you have been dealt. The reason we feel out of control isn’t actually because we have less control than we did before we started on our fertility treatment journey. It’s because we spend a lot of energy  focused on what we can’t control that we block ourselves from seeing what  we can. I’ve learned that  we don’t have to control everything to feel in  control of our lives. We just have to know the difference between what’s  controllable and what isn’t and adjust accordingly. 

When we spend less energy focused on what we can’t control the more  energy we have to focus on what we can.

I have gotten a few more listener reviews and I wanted to read a couple because you know I am on my mission to get 10,000 downloads of the So No What Podcast.  I chose this goal because the more downloads we get of the podcast, the more the algorithm gods will get the podcast showing up in the feeds of infertile women like us that are searching for ways to love their life even though they couldn’t become a mom


Okay, let’s dive into what I really want to talk about today which is  controlling the controllables. I know what it’s like to feel out of control of your life. I know what it’s like to go through life thinking things are going the  way they’re supposed to go, or the way you dreamed they would go and then all of a sudden you get diagnosed with infertility, go through years of treatments don’t end up having a baby and feel completely out of control, start to question everything, especially our luck and our future.

It seems like we’re more out of control than we’ve ever been and that we have less control than we ever have. And maybe that is the way that we’re experiencing it. 

But the reason that we’re experiencing that way isn’t what we think it is. It’s  not that we actually have less control than we have had in various other  points in our lives. It’s usually because we’re starting to spend more energy  focused on what we can’t control which then leaves us less energy to focus on what we can. And we start getting very confused about what we  can control and what we can’t. But what’s important to remember is that we  can sort these things out.  

You can figure out the difference between what you can control and what you can’t -  it’s often not what we think it is. 


In this week’s episode I’m going to give you some  examples of where you  might be confusing what you can control from what you can’t in your own  life. To be quite honest, we really don’t have to control everything, we just have to  know the difference between what we can control and what we can’t and  then adjust. And then by adjusting, by spending less energy on what we  can’t control, we have more energy to spend on what we can. And that’s where I have seen the magic happen in my life


Here’s what’s not controllable. 

Whatever’s  happening in your brain and your body due to grief is not controllable. Our  body responds in many different ways to grief. Our brain has changed as a result of our greif. What’s happening in our brain is not something we can control.  If you are having infertility fog and  things feel cloudy to  you, you can’t control that. You didn’t cause it. There’s nothing wrong with  you because it’s happening. It’s not something you can control.

When you don’t have a baby and know you never can, your brain is tries to trick you. Sometimes that means walking through Target or Buy Buy Baby and dreaming of creating a registry for your baby shower or shopping in the maternity section. Our brain just has to have some time to adjust.  

So, there’s a lot of things happening in our brain that don’t make sense to  us logically, that don’t mean you are doing anything wrong,  and are completely out of our control. Our brain’s going to need to do what  our brain’s going to need to do to adjust and adapt to this loss. It is not  something that we can control when we notice ourselves yearning for motherhood,  when we notice ourselves having illogical thoughts, going back through the  past and thinking, well, if only I had done this or if only I had done that, it  would have prevented it, counterfactual thinking.  

I should probably do a whole episode on that. These are things that just  happen as a part of grief. Now, we can notice that they’re happening and  we can change our brain in terms of what we ask it to do for us in the future  once we notice. But what we can actually control is what happens without  our conscious choosing in our brain or in our body. There’s  so many things happening hormonally, even though we aren’t doing medicated cycles anymore. 

But whatever’s going on in your body, in your brain due to grief is not  controllable. 

 What is also not controllable is how other people have responded to in your life and how they are  treating you. That is not controllable. 

Episode 8 & 44 

We can’t control other people’s responses. We can’t control other people’s thoughts about what’s happened, we can’t control other people, the things that they say or do - none of that is within our ability to control.  We will also notice that we want to control how other people respond to decisions that we’re making now that we are moving forward with a life without children, but we can’t  control that either. We can’t control how other people respond to the  choices that we make.

We’re going to make decisions, they’re going to respond in the ways that  they do because of their unique perspectives on life, their thoughts, their  feelings, none of that is within our ability to control. 

As much as we like to tell ourselves we could have tried to get pregnant sooner or we shouldn’t have been 12 minutes late for our trigger shot, we can’t control that we are infertile, anything that’s happened in the past is not controllable, but notice  how often we are still trying to go back there and control it. So,  we can’t control any of those things. 

We can’t control the weather, we can’t control what’s happening on the  news. We can’t control anything that’s in the past. There’s so much that we  can’t control. We can’t even control the thoughts that pop up in our minds,  we can’t control that. Thoughts just pop up. We don’t really have any ability  to choose what our subconscious mind is doing and what thoughts pop up.  But what is controllable is how we respond to all of those things. What is  controllable is how we choose to respond to what’s happening to our brain  because of grief.  

How we choose to respond to our own infertility fog

How we speak to ourselves about all of this? 

How do we  choose to respond to other people who don’t like our decisions or who have  things to say about our grief? That is controllable. 

But I want you to imagine if you’re giving your time and energy to thinking about and wishing  that you could control or change something that’s in the past. Or something  that has to do with someone else, or something that’s happening in your  brain or your body that really isn’t within your ability to control. 

When you spend all this energy toward something that offers you no different outcome, it never will give you a baby, a diagnosis or FERTILE or the life you thought you were destined to have, how much less energy you have to focus on areas of life where you actually can move the needle. And that’s what I want you to start thinking  about. So, I’ll just give you an example. 

So, I was coaching someone that is doing the Belief Reinvention with me and she was beating herself up about not working out last week as many times as she’d planned, which is a prime example of focusing on something we can’t control.

How many people can relate to that?   You not working out last week is over. Continuing to spend your time focused on decisions you already made  and then talking down to yourself  makes you less able to make good decisions now and in the future.  You become less enticed to set goals for yourself because you know you will make yourself feel like ass if you don’t meet them. You don’t have to listen to your inner critic who tells that you that fertility meds ruined your body and you’ll never have a body you like again

So, here’s the problem. Most often we just forget this. We don’t even  realize that we’re focusing on what we can’t control. And so, we have to be  able to bring ourselves that kind of awareness. 


Ask yourself, what can I do that could move the needle in places that I care  about? So that’s what we’re doing here. I’m not saying stop caring about  the things you care about, not at all. I’m saying, what can you do to  influence the things and areas of life that you care about?  

That’s where we want to focus our time because otherwise our brain will  likely want to worry about, dwell on, rage against, otherwise spend energy  on things that simply aren’t within our control. And it will feel productive in  the moment. But if you step back long enough you will see it’s not actually helping you spend energy in ways that move the needle and help  you make traction on things that you care about. 

Your assignment this week:

When you do your paper thinking, ask what can I control today? 

What can I do today  to move the needle in the direction I want to see it move?  

Where is my brain likely going to get stuck in a loop worrying about,  dwelling on, fretting about things that I simply can’t do anything about? Is it 

going to get me caught in a loop about how it’s not fair I can’t be a mom and that your body didn’t do when it was supposed to?   How you should have done things different in the past? That you let your partner down?  

What patterns are brain is going to hyperfocus on what it  doesn’t like and the aspects of what it doesn’t like that I can’t control? 

Where do you want to be ready to question my brain? 

What do you want to remind your brain that it can’t control? 

Because it definitely can’t control that you aren’t a mom. It definitely can’t control anything from the past. 

But it can  choose what it wants to think. 

You  can choose your beliefs about you and the thoughts you have about not being a mom. 

You can choose to  response to your inner critic. You can choose how you want to feel and beliefs you have about the amazing you that you see in the mirror.  

You  can choose how you want to act and how to spend your time. YOu decide how to spend your  money. I decide the kind of wife you want to be. 

You can even decide how kind  youre going to be to yourseld. 

You have so much more power than you’re thinking, period. 

You don’t need more power, you just need to get better about knowing the difference between what you  can control and what you can’t and pivoting accordingly. 

And when you do that and you spend more energy on things you can  control you will have more energy to spend on things you can control  because you won’t be wasting so much of it on things that don’t move the  needle for you. Alright, that’s what I have for you this week. I hope that  helps you. You’re so much more powerful than you think. 

Yes, I am talking to you. This is not like there are certain special snowflakes listening  to this podcast who are more powerful than they think.  

All of you listening to this podcast are so much more powerful than you  think. You have everything you need inside of you to create the life that you want. You just have to believe it. You have to see it. And there might be some junk in the way. And if there’s some junk in the way and you want my help, that’s what I do. And I would love to help you with that. But  promise you, you do not need to control what has happened in your past.  

You do not need to control other people. You do not need to control things  that aren’t yours to control to still genuinely enjoy your time on the planet  even though you aren’t a mom