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The "So Now What?" Podcast

I am a Fertility Survivor.  The kind you enter into treatments hoping you will never be... childless.  After several rounds of IUI and IVF, at some of the leading Fertility Centers, I was told I was no longer a candidate for fertility treatment.  It left me asking myself...

So now what?

For the years that followed, I tried to put myself back together and tell myself I would be OK, but I wasn't.  I was shattered - I felt alone and failed by the whole process and especially, my body.  I yearned for others that felt the pain I felt and someone that could help me navigate a life without a child. 

I didn't find it, so I decide to create it.  

Fast forward to today. I am still childless, but my beliefs about my life have changed.  I decided that I can create meaning and purpose in my life even though I am not a mother.  I've learned to love myself and the body I felt failed me as a woman.

If you've been on this journey, hop on and join me as we create something we were not offered.  Let's create a sisterhood for the bravest women I know.  We brush ourselves off and don't let terms like: Failed, Unexplained, Miscarriage, Not-viable or Advanced Maternal Age define us anymore.  


Nov 2, 2021

I am so glad that we're back together again this week to talk about a word that has so much power in our minds. And in this week's episode, I'd like to talk about what comes up for you, when you hear the word failed. There's a stigma around the word failed, and failure. We grow up conditioned, fearing failure. There's just like this huge taboo around the word. And I'd like to invite you to ask yourself, what do you make the word failure mean? Most people don't achieve their dreams because they don't want to fail. But when you go through fertility treatments, the word fail and failed, become part of our daily vernacular, it's not uncommon to have the word failed, be used to define our cycles. And when we're in the midst of trying to have a baby and following protocols of fertility meds, exact timing, prescribed medications that are offered to us by our reproductive endocrinologist. And we follow that to a tee and then get to the time when we should be moving towards a retrieval, and then get that call from our fertility clinic that we failed our cycle. What are you making that mean in your life today? What are you taking away from your memories of going through that and applying it today. So we're going to take a deeper dive into failure on today's podcast. I worked with a client last week that told me she feels like she's a failure because she got passed up for promotion. She's feeling really disappointed because she interviewed for a job that if you were to look at the food chain within her organization, she would be the next obvious person for this job. But she interviewed for it. And she didn't get it. And she said that she feels like she's a failure. So when I asked her where else she's seeing this thought I'm a failure come up. She had a dig all the way back to when she went through fertility treatments and was unable to have kids. Generally, she said she feels like she's a failure because of it. Because her body didn't do what it was intended to do. So during our session, we took time to identify what do those words really mean to her. And we started to separate where her thoughts versus the facts are and what failing fertility means to her, and how her thoughts regarding failing fertility treatments are creating feelings in her life today. So whether we like it or not medical terminology is what it is. One of my friends has an OB GYN (and also a life coach) and I had a conversation a while back about the use of the word failed being used in the fertility community. And at that time, I was very defiant that I thought it was an awful and hurtful and paralyzing way to classify a treatment that a woman was going through and that the women that hear that time and time again, keep that attached to their persona and take that into different parts of their life. And I was totally on this mission to eliminate the word failure from medical diagnosis and terminology.


So what the real problem is, is the meaning you are allowing the word failure to play in your life now, and how not managing our minds around words that described us in our pasts affect us today. And when my client realized that she has the ability to separate her thoughts, from a word, she can open up her life and her dreams, to results that she wants to see in her life. So if you're noticing that you're associating yourself with a failure in other parts of your life, now's the perfect time to use the tools that we cover off on here in the podcast. And become aware of one that's coming up for you. How it's coming up for you. What are you doing when it's coming up for you? Because you failing fertility treatments, as in the past, it happened. And we know that if we live in the past, it's just going to continue to create our future. So when my client and I worked on separating that first and deciding why failures, the bad thing, now, she's done trying to conceive her course with fertility treatments is over. And she's a female without children. So why is the word failure that defined that past event in her life, bringing itself into her future now. So let's decide now that we can reset the meaning of the word failure, we can decide how we want to feel about that word. At any time, we can reset the meaning of and the act of failing. We talked about the growth we have available to us when we crash and burn. For many, that is the most opportunistic time to see where you can move on to your next opportunity, or where you can learn the most about yourself. So what's the worst thing that can happen today, if you avoiding doing things for fear of failure, you're going to be eliminating opportunities to grow and achieve your dreams. So this week, I'm going to ask you to pick one instance, where you notice that you try doing something and you either refrain from moving forward. Or you try it in the outcome is not what you expected. Pick something this week, where you notice that comes up for you and write it down. It could be cooking, or baking something maybe for the first time, it could be interviewing for a job, possibly having a tough conversation with someone. What's the worst thing that you would feel if it doesn't go as planned?


If you decide ahead of time, that you're willing to interview for a job knowing that you may not get it, what would happen, you'd possibly feel hurt, you'd possibly feel embarrassed, you'd possibly feel inadequate. But what's so bad about feeling that it doesn't last forever. And you have this beautiful mind of yours that can notice those feelings and move on. Because basically, it's two options, try it and go after it knowing you may feel rejection, or live knowing that you're just not pursuing your dreams, or giving yourself an opportunity to live bigger because you have a fear of failure, the feeling of embarrassment when something doesn't go as planned. But you're never going to know what you can achieve if you're always stopping yourself from going after it for fear of failing. But what if you decide ahead of time that when you fail, you won't beat yourself up or you won't mourn over it or you won't quit. Because when we prepare our minds for the worst thing that might happen, this stuff happens and it's really becomes much of a less much lesser of a big deal. And so the first thing we need to just do is decide that we're going to do some stuff that scares the hell out of us, or makes us feel super uncomfortable or do something that we've never tried before. And just see what happens. And I've got to tell you the opportunity to do something and not judge yourself is just such an opportunity for growth. So this week, I'd love to know if you believe you could go a day or even a week without indulging in the feeling of failure, why or why not? How does failure present to you in your life? Where are the areas that you notice you feel failure? How does feeling failure prevent you from achieving what you want in your life? And then lastly, I'd love for you to ask yourself, why do you imagine you indulge in this feeling, because if you know anything from listening to this podcast, you know that your thoughts are optional. So when you're choosing to feel failure, that's optional. Any thought we have is absolutely optional. And when we open ourselves up to falling flat on our faces, and maybe feeling that 10 minutes of embarrassment, or the redness flushing in our cheeks, when something happens, that makes us feel embarrassed, that goes away. But the opportunity that you took, and the bravery, you showed, to try something new that lasts a lifetime. Those feelings, when you manage your mind are so much more opportunistic, and the embarrassment and nervousness and the rejection and all that stuff, you'll start to learn that you can overcome it, and you'll survive it. And the opportunity you have to live your dreams becomes so much more important and so much greater, that you don't even think twice about doing something that you might fail at. So this will be the first of many things that we're going to be talking about, that come up for women who have gone through fertility treatments, and some of the common things that we feel and take away from our fertility journey with us that are still playing a role in our lives today. So the failure part, just decide now that failure isn't a bad word in your life anymore. It's not something that has to cause huge anxieties, bouts of depression and sadness. It could just be a word. And what you want to slap on it as far as the thought goes is all up to you. But whatever you do, just know that your past and the feelings that you take from your past are creating your future. Today is the perfect day to decide that you don't want to spend your life in a routine, nondescript comfort zone. Because you're too intimidated to chase a goal that seems uncertain and prone to fail. Decide today that you're going to dare yourself in desire to pursue a wild ambition and discover new possibilities. There's a would be entrepreneur, maybe a motivational speaker, freelance writers, stage performer artist or off the grid traveler in all of us decide that the word failure is not more important than your desire to pursue what it is you want to pursue. It certainly takes some thought work and some devotion to yourself to get through to this side of it, but I know you can do it, and the reward you'll offer yourself is so much greater than living in a world in fear of failure. Thanks for listening this week. Make sure you're following stitch coaching on Instagram. And very soon my friends I will have my Guide to Meaningful Holidays live for free download for all of you. So make sure you follow Instagram so you can get the latest and greatest on how to have a meaningful holiday even without children. Lastly, never stop believing that you can discover your meaning.