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The "So Now What?" Podcast

I am a Fertility Survivor.  The kind you enter into treatments hoping you will never be... childless.  After several rounds of IUI and IVF, at some of the leading Fertility Centers, I was told I was no longer a candidate for fertility treatment.  It left me asking myself...

So now what?

For the years that followed, I tried to put myself back together and tell myself I would be OK, but I wasn't.  I was shattered - I felt alone and failed by the whole process and especially, my body.  I yearned for others that felt the pain I felt and someone that could help me navigate a life without a child. 

I didn't find it, so I decide to create it.  

Fast forward to today. I am still childless, but my beliefs about my life have changed.  I decided that I can create meaning and purpose in my life even though I am not a mother.  I've learned to love myself and the body I felt failed me as a woman.

If you've been on this journey, hop on and join me as we create something we were not offered.  Let's create a sisterhood for the bravest women I know.  We brush ourselves off and don't let terms like: Failed, Unexplained, Miscarriage, Not-viable or Advanced Maternal Age define us anymore.  


Jan 11, 2023

I've been thinking about you all week and so excited to share this week's episode with you because it is such an enlightening moment that I recently had, and I wanted to  find the right words and opportunity to share this concept with you. There is so much of our life that is amazing and whether it's times that we went through our fertility journey before we even knew we had infertility, before we even knew that we wouldn't become moms, and at the end of our journey, it seems less and less easy to find moments that feel good and  light and  free because we are very focused on  the sadness that we endured and the dreams that we thought would have come true for us that have not. So on today's episode, I'm gonna share a little bit about. A moment that I recently had. As you might know, Jack and I went on a trip last week to New York City.


It was fabulous. We had so much fun. We are such good travel partners together.  We're so on the same wavelength when it comes to travel? There's some people that need to have an itinerary set out  points of interest identified and a play by play. We are not those people.


As long as we found a place to lay our heads at night and maybe one or two highlights throughout the vacation,  we are so cool with that. I love that we've found that adventure together. Before.   Into what happened in New York. I first want to ask if you are ready to make room for your amazing life? If you are ready to live a childless life that feels amazing and doesn't have to feel temporary, that that amazingness is here to stay and you're ready to really lean into a life that you wanna take ownership of the greatness  it contains. There's things that I've noticed  many people do. I know I have done them, and many of the students that I'm helping work through this with. Found this prevention or this opportunity to stop them from feeling the experiences that ignite a glow within them.


Maybe you have something that happens to you and this excitement shows up for a few minutes or maybe a few hours, and we escort them out of our lives more than we invite them. ,  you might notice you have this breathtaking moment that shows up and brings you pure joy and appreciation. And then  decide to deflate those moments.


 Think about something that ignites you. When you even think about the memory of it, you fill with joy or you fill with happiness, or maybe it even brings a bit of a smile to your lips, and you feel like your heart could just burst in a moment and you feel so fulfill.


Try to recount a moment like that in your life and then notice how often you try to talk yourself out of it. maybe you say like, oh, come on, that's so silly.  That's really not that big of a deal, or, check yourself  this is just a fluke, that this is just something temporary.


This is not  something that's intended for somebody like me.   Maybe you tell yourself that something is good, but it's  a sloppy second.  to how great life would be if you were a mom or if you had children, you wouldn't be searching for these things that make you feel good or these things that ignite happiness within you. Because being a mom would just trump all of that. Being childless after infertility can create a feeling that you need to compensate in your life.


So have you ever found yourself trying to compensate and tell yourself that you're feeling something because you're trying to compensate for how sad you feel, or how lonely your life feels because you're not a mom? So I wanna talk about all of that today. I recently had a moment that made me so aware of how wonderful and how many moments I have in my life that truly are fulfilling, that even me at this stage in my journey.


Of healing and mindfulness and awareness and belief reinvention that I can still experience these same things that you do. So that's just to say that life is solely just a process.  I work through things just like you do, and I'm human just like you. And just because I'm a certified coach and I teach students and I help women create amazing breakthroughs in their lives, I still am a student in my own life and I love that I'm a student in my own.


I love that I have the tools that allow me to question what it is that's going on around me and what I'm feeling and what I'm thinking, and even decide, is that true? Is that the story that I want to believe?  Those are  amazing tools that I teach in my Thrive community. The ability that I have to use them in my own life, and the ability that you can create in your own life by having these tools are  what creates the transformation in your future and creates a life that you will truly be thriving again and feeling fulfilled even though you didn't have the children, you always thought you.  Let me go on to tell you where I most recently noticed this. So Jack and I went to New York. We have been dying to see The Music Man with Hugh Jackman. we had been talking about doing this forever. The show closes in a few weeks and we were like, you.


We're just booking tickets, we are doing this. Take time off work and enjoy the flexibility and the opportunity that we have to  travel in the middle of the week because we don't have kids to worry about. All we had to worry about was care for our dog. So  Coco's grandpaw. It was so gracious. I know he's listening. So thank you Djidzau for watching Coco. He so graciously takes care of her often when we are gone. So we got on a plane, went to New York, had zero plans except a hotel that we knew we were staying at and tickets to the theater to go see the music man. And the rest we just kind of winged.


 It was time for dinner and Jack did a google search found this restaurant. He wanted French food. We called the restaurant, got a reservation show up at the restaurant. Turns out it is a Michelin star restaurant. Had no clue. Check in at the desk. They're like, oh, let us escort you to your table.


They take us to the table. We are at this table that is literally. The chef's table, like didn't plan for it, didn't pay extra for it, didn't request it, nothing.  We sat there and watched these Michelin star chefs create the most amazing feast.  Watching the formalities of a French kitchen was like going to dinner and a show.    Watching how they prepared the food and the formalities of the kitchen and the whole process behind what happens in a kitchen was amazing to watch. And we are sitting there and I was just taking all this in and I noticed myself comparing.  how life would be if I was a mom. if I was a mom, I wouldn't be able to experience this. And if we had kids, we would never be able to get away and go to New York. And I was doing all this like comparison work to the moments I was feeling to what it would be like if I was a a parent and not really taking in the fact that I was having an amazing moment because, I'm just me and living my life, not because I'm some V I P, not because I know somebody who made a phone call to get me the chef's table, not because I had a download of the  Michelin guide on my phone.


We just simply happened to come upon this evening that was so amazing and literally unforgettable. Why was I willing to give up this moment and compensate for this moment and say it has come forth to me simply because I'm not a mom as though  I'm not worthy of this moment and we have this.


Going to New York would probably be possible if I was a mom. I probably could have found a babysitter. I probably would still be able to afford a plane ticket in a hotel in New York and tickets to the theater. But that's not what I'm talking about here. What I'm talking about is deciding that my life is worth noting and not making a compensation.

So many of our experiences that we have, we decide that they are compensations for us not being able to become a parent or not being able to have children. And why that happens, I believe, is because we have this primal brain. That has been designed to protect us from feeling the ebbs and flows of emotion, especially when we've been going through fertility treatments, and it has been an emotional rollercoaster for us for so long.


Our brain is just constantly trying to keep us safe and keep us emotionally steady. . We wanted to diminish those peaks and valleys in our emotions when we were waiting for a phone call from our IVF nurse when we were waiting for our labs or how many eggs were retrieved during a retrieval.


 There's nonstop things that our brain has  been trying to prevent us from having too many ebbs and flows in our emotions, and we just want to not notice the wonderful things that we experience in our life.


 When you're experiencing the road to acceptance of a childless life, the easiest way to create emotional freedom for yourself is to  notice those moments.  when you're feeling great and you're feeling like, wow, is this really happening to me? Or, I wanna pinch myself, or I feel really good, or I feel very happy right now.


Like all these things, they don't have to be sitting at a Michelin Star in restaurant in New York. It could be waking up in the morning feeling excited about your day if we pay attention to what our brain is thinking and inviting more of that in.


We will start to create more opportunities for us to live with that sense of fulfillment and with that sense of acceptance.


You may not be used to recognizing how good things are in your. Your brain might be searching for the things that are not so good, or the things that keep you feeling neutral or feeling blah or feeling unemotional. Because we have been on this emotional roller coasters as we've been navigating our fertility treatments, and our brain is just simply trying to keep us safe and keep us from being rattled and too excited and too up and down.


So have you experienced something really good in your life and found yourself recognizing it and following up with things like, God knew I needed this because I couldn't become a mom, or the universe brought me this opportunity as a reward for my suffering.


 It sounds so noble, and it sounds so fulfilling, but what if your life didn't have to be a compensation? Imagine the ease you would feel if you believed that God gave you an experience simply because you are you.  how much more would you savor your joyful moments if they weren't conditional, and they weren't a compensation for something that you don't have?


Could you imagine  feeling ownership over the life that you have because you are you because you are a human on this earth who wakes up every. Searching fulfillment and your joy just by being you. It is such a liberating thing to not compensate and say that you are deserving of something because of your suffering.


And I know that might be a story that your brain has been trying to tell you for a really long time, but it is a. That you can choose right now today, not to believe any longer. You can believe that you are worthy of these special moments of your life, of the happiness that you feel and the ease that you feel.


 Stop and recognize those moments and lean into them. What gives you that joy? What are you doing when you feel that happiness, when you feel that ease, when you feel that pride, pay attention to what it is because those are the things that are gonna inform a future for you that is more accepting of that and willing to feel more of that and wanting to feel more.


If you can refrain from talking yourself out of the fulfillment you feel, you will feel more fulfilled. And I know it might sound novel. Your feelings of happiness don't need to be temporary.  


So whether it's for 30 seconds or 30 minutes, feel the feelings that feel good for you without poking holes in them.  and You'll learn how to embrace what it is that you are deserving of.  You'll find the opportunity to celebrate you and celebrate the goodness and the beauty and the fulfillment that you feel solely because you are you and you are human showing up every day,  looking to navigate a life that truly feels fulfilling and you feel purpose and you feel happiness.


If you are somebody who is truly desiring more of this in your life, then you will not want to miss the next round of thrive after infertility. Thrive after infertility is. A customized 12 week small group program for women like you who desire more in their life, women like you, who want to feel fulfilled again, and women like you who know that this life of feeling less than and lacking is not who they want to continue being in their future.


 I would love for you to be part of Thrive. It is  truly transformational and will bring you the joy and the freedom. I know you are so searching to achieve.


So have a beautiful week. I love you, and remember, it is never too late to discover your meaning. I'll talk to you next week.