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The "So Now What?" Podcast

I am a Fertility Survivor.  The kind you enter into treatments hoping you will never be... childless.  After several rounds of IUI and IVF, at some of the leading Fertility Centers, I was told I was no longer a candidate for fertility treatment.  It left me asking myself...

So now what?

For the years that followed, I tried to put myself back together and tell myself I would be OK, but I wasn't.  I was shattered - I felt alone and failed by the whole process and especially, my body.  I yearned for others that felt the pain I felt and someone that could help me navigate a life without a child. 

I didn't find it, so I decide to create it.  

Fast forward to today. I am still childless, but my beliefs about my life have changed.  I decided that I can create meaning and purpose in my life even though I am not a mother.  I've learned to love myself and the body I felt failed me as a woman.

If you've been on this journey, hop on and join me as we create something we were not offered.  Let's create a sisterhood for the bravest women I know.  We brush ourselves off and don't let terms like: Failed, Unexplained, Miscarriage, Not-viable or Advanced Maternal Age define us anymore.  


Sep 13, 2022

I am so committed to you, this community, and to myself to continue showing up every week, and offering you an opportunity to see that loving your life again, after failing IVF.  Failing your infertility treatments does not have to be the end of your story.  I am so grateful that these last 52 weeks (and now this 53) we are continuously growing and knowing that each of you are finding a way to decide that you are worth being here and living this life that feels fulfilled and feels happy and has purpose to you - even though your dream of motherhood did not work out the way you always expected it would.

So what I'd like to talk about this week is something that I've recently been wanting to work on with myself.  I thought I would just show up here with all of you and see if this rings true to you or something that's going on in your life, and if you'd like to share in the conversation with me about loving your body again.

I know what it's like to give up on your body after IVF fails, because you feel like your body gave up on you.

I know exactly what it's like to be disappointed with your body to feel like it's not worth the effort. If you're looking at yourself in the mirror and wondering why it was you were even born as a female because all of the physical parts of you that you see didn't do what they were supposed to do, you are not alone.

There's such a compounded self-image issue many of us have to navigate when we find out that we're not going to be moms and all of these biological organs that we have been given did not operate, according to the instruction manual we believed that we were born with. What I want to start working on and talking about with you is loving your body.

There are so many facets to that many of us have been hanging on to wait after our IVF treatments ended. And there was certainly a weight gain that comes along with all the hormones we were taking and all of the food we were consuming and eating out of nervousness. There's just so much that comes along with it. If you haven't listened to Episode 37, you'll hear all about how my weight gain brought me to be a certified life coach and speaking to you today. So that's a magnificent episode, you got to check that one out if you haven't. What I'd love to talk about today is what it's like to show love to your body. It's so easy to think that loving your body always has to be part of how you look aesthetically, whether you've lost your weight and you feel like you look good and you're close again, or you're taking care of your skin and getting regular facials.  I want to talk about how we can show love to ourselves and love our bodies. There is a huge portion of us that thinks that it's all about the physical, the outward part of it but how to really embrace caring for your body when you're tired, saying okay to a nap (I know that's something that's so hard for many people) because we think if we take a nap or rest in the middle of the day, that we're lazy, or that only lazy people, close your eyes for 15 minutes on the sofa after work, but if your body's craving that offering it what about the opportunity that you have to work out?

Working out can just be your form of movement and why that's important. Why do you want to work out? I think that's a really important question to ask ourselves. Sure, it might be For the physical part, but think about the love that you want to show your bones when you want to have bone density, when you want to have good core strength so that you can lift things without hurting your back and all these things that as we're aging, and we're getting older how to love and take care of our bodies in a way that we can live, active, and happy lives with movement. And those are things that are, as I've become more in love with my life,  I've been wanting to show more love to my body and be a healthier version of me on the inside. And that's something I'm so working on because I want to live this long and abundant life now. I'm not counting the years of how many more years I have to go through life, feeling misery because I couldn't become a mom, I'm now so excited to celebrate my life because I feel so good and feel so in love and in in awe of my body and my life and my future again, since I've realized that I can believe a new story about myself. And I can believe a new story about my future, even if I didn't ever have the baby of my dreams. When you're thinking about loving your life that could stir up a lot of emotion for you.  I want you to think about loving your life, not just in the aesthetic form, but what are little things that you can offer yourself every day that will show love to your body.

Maybe it's a morning stretch. Maybe it's closing your eyes, if you're feeling tired, just closing your eyes, even if you're in your car, and you're just getting off work and you're getting in your car and you're like, Oh, I'm just exhausted, what if you just offered yourself 10 minutes to close your eyes in a parking lot at your at your workplace. Or when you come home, just giving yourself a moment to just sit and solace before you turn the TV on or put a new show on or the radio on whatever it is just giving yourself a little bit of time to decompress What if it is letting yourself soak in a bath or give yourself some quiet time.

When you're doing your daily your daily beauty routines, putting a face mask on, there's just so many opportunities that we can have to show love to our bodies. But before we do that, we have to understand why we want to love our bodies. I know that the work that I have done for myself understand why I want to live this long and fulfilling life. That is why I want to offer you this week to start thinking about what about your body? Would you just nourish and want to like hug and take so much good care of without thinking that it's a lot of work without thinking that you just don't have the time and energy to do it start to list out this week? What are some things that you can do that would show love to your body? Doesn't mean you have to do them, but just start to create a running list of things and then understand why it's important. So maybe if you want to do some paper thinking on this as well start to answer the question of "I want to love my body because".... that's going to be your paper thinking prompt.

I want to love my body because

  • I'm curious about what else that's capable of.
  • I'm curious if we can make amends with one another.
  • I'm curious if I could truly love it again.

There's so much that I have discovered through this journey to see that me continuously believing that my body didn't do what it was supposed to do. And looking at my body as though it had led me down and disappointed me didn't motivate me or drive me to want to get to a further place in my life. I was really just motivated to find out how fully I could wake up and live every single day, and when I can show love to my body. I can go on that journey with my body and discover is it a body that will maybe one day love doing yoga? Is that a body that will be able to have flexibility and stretch? Is that a body that will allow me to go on hikes when am in my 50s, and 60s. And that be somebody who's going to be bound to inactivity, because I haven't shown my body the love that I wanted to show it earlier in my life. Think about all the opportunities you have to love your body and why you even want to love your body. And we can create a laundry list together and start to get pointed about maybe picking one thing maybe in three weeks from now, you'll decide that you want to go on a 20 minute walk a day, or maybe that you want to wake up in the morning and have a morning stretch routine. Maybe it's something as simple as taking your vitamins. I had this mental restriction and I don't know if it was after taking all my supplements when I was in my during my cycles. And during IVF I had I remember these pill boxes, just full of vitamins and supplements and reminders that I had to put around the house to take this medication and that medication and this vitamins, so it was almost like I went on strike from vitamins after my IVF ended I just was mentally exhausted with taking things and putting things in my body so I was really working on in still am consciously trying to remember everyday to take vitamins, and understand that I'm not just taking them because they should but I'm taking them because I have this opportunity to preserve and nourish and help all these things inside my body. And if I can give it a vitamin, why would I want to give up that opportunity now? I can't wait to hear with what you've decided that you want to work on and would so love it. If you would share that with me. Send me a DM let me know what you're working on. And maybe we can all motivate each other. So have an awesome week. Thanks again for the first birthday celebration. And remember, it is never too late to discover your meaning. I'll talk to you next week.