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The "So Now What?" Podcast


I am a Fertility Survivor.  The kind you enter into treatments hoping you will never be... childless.  After several rounds of IUI and IVF, at some of the leading Fertility Centers, I was told I was no longer a candidate for fertility treatment.  It left me asking myself...

So now what?

For the years that followed, I tried to put myself back together and tell myself I would be OK, but I wasn't.  I was shattered - I felt alone and failed by the whole process and especially, my body.  I yearned for others that felt the pain I felt and someone that could help me navigate a life without a child. 

I didn't find it, so I decide to create it.  

Fast forward to today. I am still childless, but my beliefs about my life have changed.  I decided that I can create meaning and purpose in my life even though I am not a mother.  I've learned to love myself and the body I felt failed me as a woman.

If you've been on this journey, hop on and join me as we create something we were not offered.  Let's create a sisterhood for the bravest women I know.  We brush ourselves off and don't let terms like: Failed, Unexplained, Miscarriage, Not-viable or Advanced Maternal Age define us anymore.  

 

Mar 1, 2023

 I mentioned to you last week that we were going to Lake Tahoe for our annual trip with my niece and nephew, my sister and brother-in-law, and I am just feeling so fortunate that I've been able to be an aunt and my niece and nephew.

 

My sister and brother-in-law really have made it a priority to include Jack and I in the life of their children, and it's something that I don't at all take for granted, and I love that we have this opportunity to bond with them and create our own relationships with them. I am not a skier. . So my sister and I did a lot of sister time snowshoeing.

 

We went for massages, my niece and nephew, um, ski with my brother-in-law and with Jack, and I love that they have that bonding time with them. And it's also so beautiful to watch them grow as little people that we once knew and they now have their own personalities and their own. Subset of jokes and things that they gravitate towards.

 

So I'm so fortunate to be an aunt and to have this opportunity every year to just go on vacation together and chill out and have so much fun. And when I got back from vacation, I found out some bad news. We lost my mom's brother, who I was extremely close with, and the reason I'm bringing it up today on the podcast is because he and his wife were childless, not by choice, and the ability that I always had to see them as an example in my life.

 

And when Jack and I realized that we couldn't become parents to have them, An example of what love could look like, what a marriage could look like, and what life could look like if you weren't able to have the children of your dreams. I always felt so fortunate to have them as an example, and to watch their 63 years of love together as they were married and to witness that and have gone through my path knowing that there is a possibility.

 

We could love each other and live a full life. I felt like I was just always comforted by seeing their love for each other. . And the reason I bring it up today is if you know anything about me and what I like to talk about in my community and on the podcast are the things that a lot of people are thinking, but they never fully say out loud when they think about their road to childlessness.

 

So what I'm gonna talk about today is why we believe that when we die, we are gonna grow old alone in a nursing home.  and most of us think that we might be penniless because we'll have no one to monitor our finances and we will be robbed blind of our in here, of our money and have nothing to grow old on.

 

Okay, so I know I can't see you right now, but I could probably raise your hand if that thought has run through your mind. So in today's podcast, I bring this to light because I think. My uncle, who passed away, did not die old, well, he died old. He did not die alone. And in a nursing home, he died surrounded by nieces, siblings, friends that loved him because he made a difference with his life on earth.

 

And I want us to start thinking about what we can. To create a life for us that we are not worried about what that day will be like for us. What impact can we make today and what evidence can we bring forth in our life that will not even have us worrying about that point that we don't even. Stop to entertain what it is we worry about in our last days.

 

So this week I'd like you to start thinking about doing some paper thinking. So if you haven't been with me on an episode where you've heard me talk about paper thinking that is my way of getting all of this mishmash that is in your brain and putting it down on paper. So that you can recognize what it is that you're thinking and believing and feeling about yourself, and decide how is it impacting you, and if those are the things that you want to continue moving forward, believing in your life.

 

So I want you to think about how you want to leave this world on your last day. What do you want it to be like? What do you want to feel about your life? What do you want to think about the existence you had? And this might be hard for you to do because it is common to fear your death. And I get it. I think a lot of us are fearful of what our last days will be like, so let's think about what we wanna fill our life with so that when we get there, there isn't a ton of regret. There isn't a ton of worry that we're alone. There isn't a ton of worry that we're penniless because we have spent so much of our life creating the things that we want to create for ourselves.

 

So when you write these things down, I want you. Allow yourself to not have any guardrails up. No. Telling yourself, I shouldn't be thinking this, or It's impossible that I'll ever be able to accomplish this. Or things like this don't happen for people like me. So I want you to just remove all of that from your brain, just for these minutes that you're doing your paper thinking and let yourself start to dream.

 

What? What do you want to fill your time with? Who do you wanna be? We talked about episode 72, we talked about your purpose. If motherhood doesn't have to be your purpose, what are the things that you want to continuously incorporating in your life that create your purpose for yourself every day? And like we talked about, your purpose can be ever changing.

 

It doesn't have to be one unique thing to you that lasts you the rest of your life. It could, your purpose could change every single day. So now I want you to think about what you would be filling your time with and who you want to be filling your time with. Because if we're fearing dying alone and those constant thoughts are coming up in our mind, are we really out there  creating connections with people that will have meaning in our life. And that doesn't mean everyone has to be our best friend. It doesn't mean that we have to have a list of 40 people that we call on a weekly basis, but there are little connections that you can create every single day in your life.

 

Think this week about where you're gonna find those connections. Where do they exist? How will you put yourself in a position where you are feeling connected to others? Are there places you wanna volunteer? Are there classes you wanna take? Are there people that. Have been part of your social circle that maybe you wanna build a deeper relationship with or do fun activities with, or maybe it's creating connections within the infertility community.

 

And for that, I would welcome you into my Thrive after infertility community. Some of the most amazing relationships have been built by women just like us, who dreamed of motherhood.  and weren't able to achieve that. And so they decided they wanted to find other like-minded women who have been through their struggles, who won't judge them for the way that they're thinking or tell them that everything's gonna be okay.

 

They are real live women who have lived your story, and we come together and thrive after infertility and we grow together. So maybe it's finding a community like that for yourself, but if you're continuously sitting in this space that you are believing and worrying about your last days, you will not live a life that is representative of who you truly are because that is one thing, and when I was reflecting on the life of my uncle, they never had kids and he never complained.

 

I'm sure that there was some sadness and I'm sure that there was a time in his life where he desired that. But when I think about him and I think about his life, he never once seemed disillusioned with his life. He never once seemed like he wished he was somewhere else or, or wished for more. So how can we live more of that?

 

That was just such an observance that I took when I thought about his passing. How can I be more of somebody who feels contentment in their life each day? And feeling content does not mean that you don't go out and try to achieve more and challenge yourself, but if you can look at yourself every single day and feel content in the person that you are being each day, that is gonna build a lifelong progression of fullness and happiness and joy for yourself. So as you're thinking about those, those prompts this week for your paper thinking, do it without guardrails. 

 

Do it without worrying that something's wrong with you. If you're coming up blank on answers, or that people like you don't have the ability to achieve certain things, or you're not somebody who doesn't feel comfortable connecting with others. Like just take all that out and imagine there's no hindrance to achieving a life of fullness and really think about what that life would contain and how on your last day it won't matter. Who's around you and where you are, and how much money is in your bank account because you have lived this life that is so full and so rich, and so supported by you because you took time to focus on yourself.

 

It's a lot to unpack this week. I get it. If you wanna talk more about it, I’m always open to talking to you. Send me a dm. Book a discovery call. Whatever it is that can help you, I am here for you because I know for a fact I recently witnessed myself that just because you don't have children, it doesn't mean that your life is lonely, your life is empty, and you will die alone.

 

So I love you so much, and remember, it is never too late to discover your meaning. I'll talk to you next.